Now that I’m back in the city, I’m on the hunt for a new gym to join. I don’t have many requirements other than I want group classes with upbeat music (Nickleback is not allowed) and a collection of good looking straight men to show off my lunging skills to. In the quest to find this gym, I stumbled upon a barre class with an awesome 6 week new client deal that I couldn’t say no to (to avoid confusion, please note this isn’t a tequila bar). Up until my first class, I considered myself to be decently athletic. After 10 minutes of off and on squatting on my tip toes, my legs were shaking uncontrollably and I questioned whether I actually had any muscles. The following is a recap of my trials and tribulations:
I arrived at class about 20 minutes early to scope out the scene. I opened the door to what I think is the studio and find I can either take the freight elevator up or walk the 3 flights of stairs to meet my fate. I figured arriving to my first class in the elevator may have been frowned upon so I decided to hike up the stairs. As I dropped my belongings off, I began my usual people watching routine and found I was in a different league than I was used to. Mind you, I’m in an oversized pinny, spandex pants (which are actually required), socks that may or may not have been inside out and my hair was in a bun on top of my head...I thought I looked good. These girls/women were decked out in Lululemon attire, whether or not it actually fit them, hair ‘gently’ pinned back and looked like this was the one and only workout class that they participated in because it doesn’t require an awful lot of sweating. I also noticed that most of my classmates all had GIANT diamond rings. I wondered if we would get one as a party favor for showing up, but at one month in, having still not received mine, I’m beginning to question that rumor.
After politely declining to purchase the $15 special socks they sell (which I end up having to purchase the next class because i forgot my own), we file into the room and are instructed to pick up 2 and 3 lb weights. I was all like this is gonna be mad easy kids.
We began marching in place, adding in arm movements and I realized that I’m terrible at moving multiple parts of my body at once (otherwise known as multitasking). I think this is the reason why I was never allowed to take dance.
Next we were told to grab the heavier weights for some arm exercises. I noticed that I had grabbed one 3lb and one 4lb weight but was to nervous to switch them out. I immediately became concerned that one arm was going to gain more muscle than the other but since it was TIME TO GET MY SWELL ON I just went with it.
I get called out for pivoting incorrectly and decide I’m unsure if I like this teacher or not.
Next we move to the barre by the mirror. Now it was time to squat on my tip toes and pulse up and down. It only took me about 30 seconds to begin uncontrollably shaking at which point I began to question if I had any muscles and if there was a god.
Get called out a second time for not standing high enough on my toes. HAY LADY YOU TRY DOING THIS. Commenced dagger eyes.
My attention span started to wander so I glanced at the clock through the mirror and noticed it’s already been 40 minutes. Only 20 more to go and I was going to be a free lady… I then turned away from the mirror and realize I had read it backwards…it had only been 20 minutes. I hate myself.
“The higher the heels, the thinner the thighs”…Yea yea yea
I got corrected for like the 5th time because I was using my right arm instead of my left. That was totally my bad.
For the remainder of class I decide to focus my attention on the two poor boys who were forced to join today’s session and draw conclusions as to why they actually came. One of their girlfriends must have stated how hard the class was and promised sexual favors if he joined in. Not wanting to be the lone male, he dragged his friend and promised him plenty of alcohol and a way to meet girls. Sounds about right.
Moral of this story: I prefer regular bars where there are no clocks. Or mirrors to read clocks wrong. Good thing I still have 5 more weeks and 6 days until my membership expires...Not that I’m counting.
I WANNA SEE YOU WORK OUT FOR ME:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PN78PS_QsM
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